To the lady on the train that doesn't know how to speak to people... unfortunately you are not the only one.
Lately I've been noticing a stunning lack of courtesy among my fellow travelers.
Mostly it's the little, annoying things that irk me. Like the person standing in front of the steps, blocking the path and when someone says, "Excuse me," they lean about an inch out of the way.
I'm sorry, but no one is one inch wide, nor can any human above the age of 1 fit through a space that small. Also, you know you're standing right in the way of anyone that needs to get to a seat - there is no reason to huff and puff that you had to lean your one inch out of the way.
Or the people that pile all of their things on the seat next to them so that no one will sit there, then proceed to complain and heave and sigh when someone asks them to move their stuff. You're not special - you don't get a two or three person seat all to yourself. Get over it.
And the people who sit idly by and watch as someone is struggling to put their things on the rack above the seats. This morning, a totally polite man walked almost the length of the train car to help an elderly woman get her carry-on up on the rack, while everyone close to her simply sat and watched her struggle. Would it kill you to help someone out?
Or the women who settle in to their seats only to begin to apply their face for the day, either poking their neighbor in the ribs or causing fits of sneezes as their powder puffs into the air.
Or the men who sit with their legs spread so wide that they seemingly have a basketball where their genitals should be.
Not to mention the nail clippers, farters, gum smackers, too-much-perfume wearers, etc.
I've been scoffed at for saying, "Bless you," after someone sneezes, huffed at for being where I am at any given time, chuffed at, yelled at, poked, prodded, manhandled, and more, by less than courteous people.
I try to speak to people courteously, smile, acknowledge them, say "thank you," and "bless you," and all of those things. Some days I'm too wrapped up in my own drama to think past myself, days that I am less than courteous. I try, though.
Some people, however, take a sharp right at Lack-of-Courtesy and head straight on into Rudeness.
This morning we were sitting snugly in a four-seats-facing-each-other seat, a man on my left, a woman directly across from me, and another man across the aisle. The woman, of course, had her stuff on the 4th seat on our side so that no one else could sit there.
The man next to me had his headphones in and his music playing fairly loudly. I could hear it through my own music, but it didn't particularly bother me as our music oddly matched and created an entirely new kind of song.
The woman across from me, all spread out and important, didn't like it. This was her prerogative, and she had every right to ask him to turn it down a little.
Unfortunately, she doesn't know how to speak to people.
"Ummmm... I can't listen to your music," said she.
"I'm sorry?" said he.
"I can't listed to your music!" said she.
"Wow... OK..." said he. He begrudgingly turned down his music, his attitude shifting to match his sudden bad mood.
She then huffed and chuffed in her seat due to his attitude toward her.
I couldn't believe how she spoke to this guy.
"You know, there's a better way to say that," said I.
"Ex-cuse me?"
"There's a better way to say that. Had you simply said 'would you mind turning down your music' I'm sure he would have complied with no attitude."
"She's right," piped in the man across the aisle. "Now there's all this tension because he's offended at the way you spoke to him, and you're offended at his attitude toward you. If you had asked him politely it would have been a nothing moment."
"Very true," said the man behind him.
"I can't believe you! How dare you chastise me when he was the one playing his music too loud!"
"Yes, but you were the one that was rude," said the man across the aisle.
We all shared a moment, the man across the aisle, the man behind him, and me. We shook our heads in acknowledgement and returned to our books/music/paper/Candy Crush.
The woman across from me fidgeted for a while, still huffy about the exchange.
The man next to me, the offender with the loud music, simply sat in thought for a while. Finally he looked at me with a most peculiar expression.
"Thank you. That meant a lot."
"I'm sorry she was so rude to you," I said.
"Yeah, man, me too," said the guy across the aisle.
"You'd think I would be used to it by now, but it still pisses me off," said the man next to me.
"Why would you be used to it?" I asked, oblivious.
His face blank, he looked at me for a long moment.
"I'm black," he said, so matter-of-factly.
The woman across from me jerked her head up at this, looking at him with the most alarmed expression. I could feel the attention on him: mine, hers, even the man across the aisle was intent on the scene.
Finally, her face softened and she squeaked, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said it like that," in the smallest voice she could muster.
"Thanks," he said.
I could tell that she hadn't thought about how he would personalize what she said, how it would resonate with him. I don't think she meant it that way, especially because of the look on her face when she realized how he had taken her words, but that is the way he perceived her because of them. She was simply having a bad morning and she was so wrapped up in herself that she didn't take a moment to think of courtesy when speaking. That's all.
But that's enough. Enough to offend someone, set someone off. Enough to upset bystanders, total strangers who also didn't realize how he would personalize her words.
I was just upset at how rude her words were, I didn't factor in that he would see it as racism. Nor did the man across the aisle, it seemed.
Our words can have a profound effect on people in ways that we can't imagine. We don't know their perspective, don't know what it takes for them to get out of bed in the morning, to face the world each day. We don't know where they've come from, where they're going. We couldn't possibly know.
But if we could take an extra five seconds and speak to people with courtesy, no matter the mood that we are in, it could change not only the way that we see the world, but the way the world sees themselves. For if they are worthy of courtesy from a stranger, they are worthy of other things as well.
And so are we.
So, to the lady on the train that doesn't know how to speak to people... thank you for demonstrating this to me today. Your words carried unintended messages to those around you and I gained some new perspectives. I know that you didn't mean for your words to land the way they did, I know you were greatly offended that I chimed in, and I'm sorry that I offended you. But from now on I will try to speak with courtesy no matter what my own mood is at the time, no matter how difficult it may seem.
Imagine how the world would look if we all could do this, all the time.
You spoke to someone today without courtesy and almost ruined a stranger's day. You had not idea how your words would hurt, and unfortunately you are not the only one.
